I am in trouble, people. I am never drinking again. Last night I slept with my best friend (fyi we are of different genders). I was so drunk, and it really just didn't feel real at the time. It was only when I woke up at 6.00am and remembered that I realised what had happened. Why do I do things that I regret? Am I so desperate for human contact that I would jeopardise a really good friendship? We've kissed before, but I've always stopped us from doing anything more, so why didn't I last night? I honestly didn't think about what was happening; in my head it just didn't seem like sex at the time - it felt like I was watching a film.
This leads me to the real point of my concern. I am fairly confident that he has not spent all day today thinking about this and worrying about the consequences and questioning why we feel it's OK to display this level of affection when we are drunk, but never talk about it when we are sober. And we are adults, people. We are not 16 years old and "exploring our bodies". So why am I so worked up about this? Is there really this difference between the sexes that makes me want to talk it all out and makes him just take what he can get as and when it is there for the taking? Why do I feel slightly used and foolish when I know he won't, and we've both done exactly the same thing? I could phone him and talk about it, but actually, talk about what? What is there to say? I don't want a relationship with him; I've been his friend for about seven years and have seen him through enough girlfriends to never want to be one of them, so is it just an inate female urge to lay all of my cards on the table? Is it unwise of me to feel I have a right to say:
WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO M . . .
"Listen, M, this getting off when we're drunk has got to stop. We both know that, right? It's stupid, and I don't want it to become a thing that happens every time we see each other, or is expected. I want to be friends with you for ever, and I don't think that can happen if we end up feeling like we have end up in bed every time we meet. What sort of friendship is that?"
Am I just getting everything way out of proportion? Am I so annoyed with myself because what happened last night throws my warped sense of morals out of the window (M has a girlfriend, and I have been telling myself that getting off with M when we're both drunk doesn't have to play on my conscience as him cheating. Can't think that about sex, can I?)?
I am never drinking again. I think I need to get a bit of self respect back. Or just stop overanalysing everything.
