Never Winning! Excellent!

I have to stop sleeping with my friends.

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 23:24:13 +0200

Yes. I've done it again. With a different male friend. Which means that I never learn any lesson and deserve everything that karma throws at me. And, my friends, the lesson here is that alcohol is evil and wrong. Seriously. Because again, I find all of my emotions become entangled once the beer, wine and gin flow and I find it so difficult to draw the line between friendly feelings and amorous ones. Also, at the time, I don't feel like I want to, because (especially with this friend)it's all done with such comfortable familiarity and in a relaxed situation that it feels natural (alcohol tends to do this. Red flags ought to flash, warning bells ought to ring BUT ALCOHOL BLINDS AND DEAFENS US). It's only in the morning when I think, how will this end? Can it end with our friendship in tact? I would like to think so. But really I think it is just a stupid stupid thing to do that I would have more control over if I was in a meaningful relationship at the moment. Which I'm not, but should that mean that I ought to jeopardise friendships? No. NO. I can't stand this. Where is my self control and self esteem? Especially after the last time. Seriously, I'm worried about myself now. I think that I need help. Because in an hour, it'll be time for bed . . . . . .

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Chips and gravy rock!

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 16:46:11 +0200

How nice are chips and gravy? I have been enjoying this dish for many a year now, but it was only yesterday when I realised just how satisfying chips and gravy actually is. Really satisfying. I don't think I have ever been let down or disappointed with chips and gravy, and I can't think of any other food this applys to (with the exception of mushrooms, my staple diet). Can you? I think not!

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Why oh why is Kate Moss blacking up???

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 22:58:25 +0200

I'm sorry, have I stepped into a time machine? Is it the fifties? How on earth is this any sort of statement at all? What sort of lesson can I learn about the world by looking at a picture of a famous white woman with black body paint on? Is it ironic? No. Is it moving the fashion world forward? No. Is it clever? No. Is it rubbish? Yes.

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can girls and boys be just friends?

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 20:29:57 +0200

Sorry sorry sorry for harping on about this, but for reasons I feel I can be forgiven for, this is a hot topic for my mind!

I have to confess: I have about six close male friends, and I've kissed all of them, after we became friends. Well, I have been a willing participant kissing five of those. The sixth was a totally one sided kiss (his sided), and I quickly put a stop to it. But my point is this: there has always been a certain sexual attraction in these friendships. And now I am wondering if this is inevitable, and do you know, I think it might well be. After all, it makes sense, doesn't it? You need to like someone to be friends with them, and in a way I am attracted to my female friends too - I find them amusing, kind, I think that they're attractive and find it perfectly understandable that every sane man in the world would be lucky to have them as a gilfriend; so the same is true with male friends. But there are less safety catches in this situation to stop things from heading out of Friend Land and into Big Mistake Land. With my female friends there just isn't that same level of flirtation that comes so easily when I'm with a member of the opposite sex. And when you do find someone amusing and kind, and think they're attractive, and then you add alcohol into a situation, and dim lighting, and, well, sometimes things happen.

This makes me sound very shallow, but I'm trying to express the opposite. I think I'm trying to say that I think sexual attraction is probably always a factor in a cross gender friendship (if you're both hetrosexual, or maybe even if not), or was a factor, or will be a factor at some point. For one of you or both of you. And I just have to learn to deal with it in a much better way than I ever have before. Sigh. Growing up is pants.

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Susan Kennedy - you've got to love her!

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 17:51:05 +0200

Is it possible to hate Susan Kennedy? Isn't she just the best ever woman in a soap? She wouldn't have let me sleep with my best friend! There would have been sage words of wisdom there for me instead of another bottle of wine. I love you Susan.

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Why do I do these things I regret?

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 23:10:22 +0200

I am in trouble, people. I am never drinking again. Last night I slept with my best friend (fyi we are of different genders). I was so drunk, and it really just didn't feel real at the time. It was only when I woke up at 6.00am and remembered that I realised what had happened. Why do I do things that I regret? Am I so desperate for human contact that I would jeopardise a really good friendship? We've kissed before, but I've always stopped us from doing anything more, so why didn't I last night? I honestly didn't think about what was happening; in my head it just didn't seem like sex at the time - it felt like I was watching a film.

This leads me to the real point of my concern. I am fairly confident that he has not spent all day today thinking about this and worrying about the consequences and questioning why we feel it's OK to display this level of affection when we are drunk, but never talk about it when we are sober. And we are adults, people. We are not 16 years old and "exploring our bodies". So why am I so worked up about this? Is there really this difference between the sexes that makes me want to talk it all out and makes him just take what he can get as and when it is there for the taking? Why do I feel slightly used and foolish when I know he won't, and we've both done exactly the same thing? I could phone him and talk about it, but actually, talk about what? What is there to say? I don't want a relationship with him; I've been his friend for about seven years and have seen him through enough girlfriends to never want to be one of them, so is it just an inate female urge to lay all of my cards on the table? Is it unwise of me to feel I have a right to say:

WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO M . . .
"Listen, M, this getting off when we're drunk has got to stop. We both know that, right? It's stupid, and I don't want it to become a thing that happens every time we see each other, or is expected. I want to be friends with you for ever, and I don't think that can happen if we end up feeling like we have end up in bed every time we meet. What sort of friendship is that?"

Am I just getting everything way out of proportion? Am I so annoyed with myself because what happened last night throws my warped sense of morals out of the window (M has a girlfriend, and I have been telling myself that getting off with M when we're both drunk doesn't have to play on my conscience as him cheating. Can't think that about sex, can I?)?

I am never drinking again. I think I need to get a bit of self respect back. Or just stop overanalysing everything.

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Am I obsessed too?

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 21:01:33 +0200

If I am obsessed with the amount of TV dedicated to body image, and worried about the message this sends to children (or aliens - they would think all we were interested in is how we look), does this make me as obsessed as those who are obsessed with their body image? But obsessed with something else? Or as obsessed with body image?

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Repeats aren't all that bad.

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 21:57:44 +0200

When you get older, you complain more about the repeats that are always on the television, but you are watching them, or noticing that they are on, or winding yourself up over the amount you spend on a TV license when all they show are repeats. But you don't complain when it's a repeat you want to see. Then it's all "Yay! They're reshowing Lovejoy! Joy!". Stop relying on TV to entertain you. Have your own new ideas, imagine in your head how rubbish it is to demand better TV all night every night. Are we that reliant on outside influences for our entertainment? Let's all return to thinking for ourselves! Let's live with technology, not through it! Come on, joyful ones! Let's all try to spend a little part of our days without outside stimulus (that we usually add to a situation; I'm talking about mp3s, mobile phones, TV, internet), let's realise that we can spend ten minutes or quarter of an hour just with our own minds for company - you might realise that you quite like yourself! I realised that I was funnier than I had thought I was (I make myself laugh out loud on a regular basis)! Or maybe just funnier than other people thought I was! And it's actually ace not to think of the time you spend on your own as something that has to be filled with noise until it's time to be with other people. What I'm saying, oh lovely people, is let's love ourselves. Let's get to know ourselves. Not through our musical likes, or our views on reality TV, or which celeb we want to look like. Just through having our own thoughts for a small portion of the day where we limit the extent of other things giving us opinions! Yes! I am loving this. I am feeling the L.O.V.E!

See you soon, until then, remember that things always get better. Time moves on, I move on . . .life is an ocean, not an ice age! And enjoy the repeats on the TV! Sometimes the old ones are the best!

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